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With everything that’s going on in the world right now there may be a tendency to reduce our suffering or tell ourselves that there are bigger things going on. Maybe that leads you to feeling that you shouldn’t feel the way you feel.

When you hear stories about it being a risky time to get pregnant, how does that make you feel? It’s hard to hear that as well as the talk about the expected baby boom in 9 month’s time, isn’t it. People who don’t get it can be so flippant about pregnancy (this is still a trigger for me).

Fertility can be a long and winding path of uncertainty, this is particularly true right now. There are many setbacks we come across. Everything from each month when your period arrives to having treatment cancelled indefinitely. Maybe it’s yet another pregnancy announcement or disappointing test results.

But how do you pick yourself up again after each knock? Do you find it’s getting harder as time goes on to get back up? I know I did. It can be so hard to have dared to dream of what you so desperately want, to allow yourself to believe it’s getting closer, that you are on your way to motherhood, just to have those dreams crushed again.

You can regain control of your fertility journey. I know that may seem hard to believe right now.

Hope vs. Fear

Do you still allow yourself to get your hopes up? Or have you stopped as a form of self-protection?

I hear this such a lot, that we don’t allow ourselves to hope because of the fear of disappointment. But does not allowing yourself to hope really stop the pain of things not happening the way you wanted? I don’t think it does. It hurts just as much. What do you think?

I wish I could promise you that all the disappointment and setbacks were in the past, but infertility doesn’t work like that does it. Just as you think you’ve got it together, feeling positive, feeling strong, bang there’s the Facebook post announcing yet another pregnancy. And your mood spirals downwards again leaving you feeling so flat. All those good thoughts out the window.

Coping Mechanisms

So, what do you do? Maybe you keep busy, pretend you’re fine, distract yourself from those difficult feelings that keep creeping in. Or do you switch to self-sabotage, grab the bottle of wine which at least stops the pain for a little while. Or perhaps you shut down, let the feelings overwhelm you and take to your bed, shut out the rest of the world because you’ve had enough.

Any of these coping mechanisms are ok to use some of the time, but not as the only way you have to deal with difficult feelings or setbacks. If any or all of these are your go-to method of coping you’re probably finding that they work ok for a while but those difficult feeling come back faster and faster each time.

Plus your energy reserves for coping with other stuff is reducing too. You’ve become short tempered, snapping at little things you used to be able to cope with. You’re not as patient as you used to be.

So how do you pick yourself back up each time? Here are my top tips for doing just that.

1.Allow yourself to feel the way you feel

Rather than suppressing difficult emotions acknowledge them. Name them and find the message it is trying to give you.

Maybe its anger? Anger that this is happening to you when it’s so easy for everyone else. Anger isn’t the negative emotion it’s made of to be. It is there to make sure you are being treated fairly. What you’re going through is not fair, and you have every right to feel angry about that.

Squashing down anger only makes it worse. Believing that feeling angry makes you a bad person only adds another layer of difficult and unnecessary feelings onto what is already painful enough. If you’re not able to feel happy for others because you’re having such a hard time that’s ok.

2.Give yourself time

Struggling with infertility is a grieving process. We are grieving not necessarily because of loss, but we grieve the picture we have in our mind of what we thought our family would look like. This is a dream we have for such a long time and the uncertainty of when or even if our dream will become reality is heart-breaking. So, give yourself the time to grieve.

3.Allow yourself to cry

Crying is so therapeutic, who hasn’t felt loads better after a good cry? Tears release hormones which are healing, so let it out. Crying is also exhausting so give yourself the time and space to rest.

Ok so now those are done we can think about moving forward.

4.Write it down

I’m a big fan of journaling. Getting words onto the page that describe how we’re feeling and possibly even why we’re feeling that way. Sometimes what comes up is surprising, sometimes it reveals how we really feel, other times it helps resolve feelings allowing you to work it out in such a simple way.

One journaling technique I discovered recently which I have used and love is this one. Name the difficult emotion you’re feeling, maybe its anger/sadness/fear/anxiety/stress/guilt/shame.

Then at the top of your page write the following: Hi (name emotion). You’re safe and welcome here. I’m here to listen. What are you trying to tell me?

Then write whatever comes to mind, until you’re done.

When you’re finished put on your favourite upbeat song and have a dance and sing to let those difficult feelings go and lift your mood.

5.Get support from someone who gets it

This might be a friend, colleague, someone in your family, maybe the fabulous online ttc community, or maybe specialist therapeutic support.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say they regretted getting therapeutic support. But people often regret not going sooner. I often wonder when looking after our mental health and emotional well-being will be seen as important as taking care of our physical health. Asking for support at a difficult time is not a sign of weakness but of massive strength.

Just before I go I want to remind you to be kind to yourself particularly during this difficult time. Your feelings are valid and what’s going on in the rest of the world is irrelevant to how you are feeling in relation to your fertility. I hope you are safe and well, sending lots of love.

Sign up to my weekly newsletter for support dealing with the emotional overwhelm that comes with a difficult fertility journey, from someone who gets it.

Guest blog by Dany Griffiths

Dany is the founder and creator of the Freedom Fertility Formula and here she is to explain how you can break the cycle of waiting and start living again.

Being forced to wait to see those two pink lines on a stick you’ve pee’d on (your partner has pee’d on), feels like hell on earth doesn’t it? I am not talking about the two minutes the test takes, although when you are struggling with infertility and your body (your partner’s body) is playing a game of hide your period which leaves you wondering if you could finally be pregnant, waiting that two minutes can feel never-ending as well can’t it?

Mainly though, I am referring to the months and years that some couples are forced to spend waiting, to finally get to see the result on that stick they are ‘praying’ for.

If you are Living in the Wait I know that it is is one of the hardest things you’ve ever had to do. It can test all of your relationships can’t it? You can become disconnected emotionally from your partner, it affects how you behave around your loved ones, your friends, your colleagues and how they behave around you. It even impacts on how you interact with strangers doesn’t it?

Whilst everyone is different in terms of what they can and can’t cope with infertility impacts on every single part of your life, nothing is quite the same without your longed for baby. Worse, the wondering if you will ever get your longed for baby can be crippling.

In some way shape or form you are putting your life on hold and not only are you living in the wait, you are WAITING TO LIVE.

Here’s the really important thing I want you to know.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

In the place you are in right now though I am pretty sure that you only see one way out, which is getting to the day when you can hold your healthy baby in your arms with the knowledge that the nightmare is over.

Unfortunately, though I know from having spoken to many who have had to deal with infertility that it can continue to haunt you throughout pregnancy, especially if you have already experienced loss. Even if you haven’t though every twinge, every change, can have alarm bells ringing can’t it?

Parents who have had an infertility struggle share with me that the fears are ever lingering after their baby is born too. Having worked also with pregnancy, birth and early parenting for many years I know that those fears are different to the general concerns that most parents might have.

Freedom Fertility clients handle their onward journey of Pregnancy to Parenthood differently though, because they have learnt how to break F.R.E.E. from the downward cycle of despair caused by their fertility journey BEFORE becoming pregnant.

So let’s get back to your fertility journey now because that is where you are currently at and there are two things I want you to know in relation to that?

1. You don’t deserve for your life to be so impacted by the pain of infertility and as much as you may not be able to get this right now, you can begin to live life fully again whilst still being in the wait.
2. When you start living your life in a more fulfilling way again it has an amazing affect on your body and whilst sadly I can’t guarantee a baby for you, there are steps you can take that will help.

I appreciate though that when we are in a place of deep pain it is not always possible to see a way forward. This is why I have created Freedom Fertility First-Aid™ which is your preparation step towards cracking the code of the F.E.R.T.I.L.E. Mind. which we do using the Freedom Fertility Formula™.

What Freedom Fertility First-Aid™ does is to introduce you to the concept of what it means to be F.R.E.E. – ‘Feel Right Emotional Empowerment’.

Freedom Fertility First-Aid™

Freedom Fertility First-Aid™ is much like traditional first aid except it specifically relates to your emotional well-being. The purpose therefore of this session is to show you how to stem the flow of mental anguish in order to stop further damage, until you are able to work more deeply on your mental and emotional well-being, which will then support your physical well-being and enhance fertility success. Much like a First-Aider bandaging a broken arm to stop more damage before getting further medical help, or stemming the flow of blood from a wound prior to stitches.

During your Freedom Fertility First-Aid™ session you will share with your Freedom Fertility Specialist the biggest impacts that your fertility journey has had on your life. This is therapeutic in itself because you will be sharing with someone who knows how to listen. However, Freedom Fertility First-Aid™ aims to go way beyond just helping you to feel better whilst you are with your Freedom Fertility Specialist. You will also learn a very simple and powerful way to ensure that you always have a way to feel emotionally in control, no matter what is going on in your life at the time. This is the first step in your working relationship with your Freedom Fertility Specialist, but in no way commits you to going any further.

Freedom Fertility First-Aid™ will provide you with an incredibly powerful ‘Coping Mechanism’. However, much like you wouldn’t expect your broken arm to set right without expert care, or for a gaping wound to remain free of infection if left, you don’t want to see it as a long term strategy for being able to live a more fulfilling life in the wait. It also alone won’t be able to give you everything you need to support the mind/body connection that enhances fertility success.

Unique Strategy For You

Feel Right Emotional Empowerment™ is designed to continually give all the power back to you. Your Freedom Fertility Specialists will work with you from a state of belief that you know how to handle and resolve all challenges that may come up in your life. That you have all of the answers within you as to what is right for you on your fertility journey and for your life, even if those answers appear to be obscured, concealed or hidden inside right now.

The skill of your Freedom Fertility Specialist lies, in them knowing the right questions to ask you, and having the right tools and techniques to help you to find those answers within yourself.

You are your own best expert with regards to knowing what you need on your fertility journey and what is right for YOU. Your Freedom Fertility Specialist is an expert in making you that you have the right F.R.E.E. Strategy to complement that. As such, they will help you to discover what your own personal way for living life positively whilst trying for a baby, looks like.

I don’t need to tell you that struggling with fertility issues can become overwhelming, you are living that overwhelm on a daily basis. Many of my clients have likened their fertility struggles to being trapped in an emotional prison, from which it is hard to escape. Their partners feel equally trapped but they are stuck on the outside, often hiding their own pain and feeling helpless and not knowing what to do.  Working with a Freedom Fertility Specialist helps to F.R.E.E. both you and your partner, by enabling you to reconcile being able to focus positively on your life once again, whilst holding onto your dream of having a baby.

Having A Best Buddy Who ‘Gets It’

There is an added bonus to working with a Freedom Fertility Specialist which is that they will feel like having a Best Buddy Who ‘Gets It’. This is an incredibly powerful bonus to have because infertility can be very isolating can’t it? It’s tough, it’s cruel and it’s debilitating, and even when you do share your journey people don’t normally get it do they? Sometimes they may be really obviously uncomfortable if you try and tell them what you are going through, which can make you feel even worse can’t it? Others may throw out some useless platitudes which exasperate you. The worse ones I think you will agree, are the people that think it’s appropriate to give you advice. I know many of my clients have said that this has them wanting to scream in the person’s face, “so you are suddenly a beeping expert in infertility are you?”

Your Freedom Fertility Specialist not only knows how to listen to make sure you feel heard, they also know how to guide you without telling you what to do, and they know how to ask you all of the right questions to help you uncover the answers that are already there deep down inside of you. They will also be available via text/email and the occasional call if required between sessions, at no additional cost because I am sure you will agree, it’s no good having a Best Buddy Who ‘Gets It’ if you can’t contact them when you need.

I’m not someone who was broody from a young age.  I assumed I would have children at some point but didn’t really give it much more thought.  It wasn’t until I turned 30 that I suddenly felt in a hurry. Like overnight I could suddenly hear that clock ticking.

I went into it thinking it would be difficult.  I’m not entirely sure why, my husband was a smoker but that was the only real thing that might have affected our chances of getting pregnant.

Early Loss

After a year and a half I had an early miscarriage.  Even though I only thought I was pregnant for a few days, I was devastated.  Of all three of my miscarriages I really feel like this one hit me the hardest, even though it was the earliest.  My dream came so close and then was so quickly taken away.  As soon as I saw those two lines I was planning, calculating the due date, working out who else would be having a baby around the same time and wondering if it would be a boy or a girl.

My dream came so close and then was so quickly taken away

I tried to carry on as normal, even going into work the next day (this was a really bad idea). I wanted other people to know but I didn’t want to tell them or talk about it as I knew I would get upset.

After this things got so much more difficult to cope with each month.  I followed the same pattern, trying at the right time, hoping that this month would be the one.  This led to that all-encompassing fear in the days leading up to my period.  I am the worlds worst symptom spotter and would really try not to test early but sometimes I just needed to know.  Not that I would ever trust the early negative “it must be too early so a false negative”.  It wasn’t.

I was trying everything, diets, apps, tracking methods, books, alternative therapies, positive thinking meditations.  Something had to change.  I felt like I couldn’t go on for another month, but of course we do as we have no choice.

After my first miscarriage I finally went to the GP.  She was great and sent me for basic initial investigations and I had a scan and blood tests.  All results came back normal, which was great.  But at the same time if something had been wrong at least that would possibly mean something could be fixed.  I was referred for further investigations, however a week later had a call from my GP that due to my early miscarriage I would have to wait for another year for the referral to be accepted.  It felt like a huge set back. Yet more waiting.

I felt like I couldn’t go on for another month, but of course we do as we have no choice

Rainbow Baby

Eventually I decided to try something different so I went for hypnotherapy to change my mindset and how I was feeling about my miscarriage.  After this I felt a real change, it wasn’t so difficult and painful to talk about my miscarriage or that we were trying for a baby.  Both subjects I would have avoided at all costs previously.

Three months later I was pregnant.  I’ve always felt this was more than just coincidence as I was feeling more positive and hopeful, less anxious and fearful.

I felt so positive and excited throughout my pregnancy. So grateful to finally have made it to that point after two and a half years.  Then he arrived and it was magical, everything I wanted it to be and the difficulty of getting my longed-for baby was forgotten for a while.

TTC Baby Number Two

How many times do you hear about people struggling for their first baby then the second comes along almost by surprise?  Well, I thought that was us too.  When our first son was 10 months old, I found out we were pregnant again.  I couldn’t believe it.  After breastfeeding I’d only had 2 periods.  I was amazed that this is how easy it was for some people.  Such a massive contrast to what we had experienced before.   We were surprised but happy and excited.

But something didn’t feel right.  My pregnancy symptoms weren’t as strong as they were the first time.  Everyone said all pregnancies are different and not to worry.

something didn’t feel right

At my 12 week scan, we found out I’d had a missed miscarriage, probably at about 8 weeks. We were devastated.  The memory of being in that room and looking at the screen knowing the picture didn’t look right, waiting for what seemed like an eternity, for the sonographer to confirm what I already knew is still a hard one to think about.  And leaving that room. Walking through a busy waiting room with other happy couples looking at their scan pictures and women with their growing bumps.  It must have been glaringly obvious we had not received good news.

The days followed in a bit of a blur.  I had surgery (Surgically Managed Miscarriage) and although physically it was a quick recovery, emotionally it was a different story.

During this time I was immensely grateful for my friends.  Some who had similar experiences gave me advice on treatment options.  They all checked in on me regularly which was so lovely to know that others cared and yes it was a crap thing to go through.

From then on we were on ‘trying’ mode again which was a much more familiar feeling. Initially I didn’t feel that stressed thinking it would probably happen again soon.  Then the pregnancy announcements started coming, initially this was OK as I felt it would be me as well soon.  But as time went on it turned into feeling like I was being left behind.  They were pregnant, I wasn’t, they were on maternity leave I wasn’t.  We were still waiting.

we were on ‘trying’ mode again which was a much more familiar feeling

The stress and anxiety quickly escalated, probably mixed too with grief.  I knew again I had to do something differently.

Fertility Community

This was when I found the amazing fertility community on Instagram.  Around this time Dany Griffiths started her Instagram page for the Freedom Fertility Formula.  What she was posting really spoke to me, it was like she understood exactly how I was feeling.

Dany is the founder and creator of the Freedom Fertility Formula.  She is on a mission to make mental health and emotional well-being a higher priority in fertility care.  She put together a programme to support women and couples struggling with infertility and she was training people interested in providing this support.

It sounded fantastic and exactly my kind of thing.  But I’d just had another early miscarriage so I was unsure if I was in the right place to support others while struggling myself.

The Freedom Fertility Formula

I decided to go for it, as it felt like the right thing to do.  While learning the modules during the training, I did them as if I were the ‘client’.  I did the exercises, used all the tools and strategies and listened to the MP3s.  As well as all this I learned the importance of understanding, recognising and listening to emotions, which has been a revelation!

I felt so much better.  I was able to meet up with my mum friends that I had previously been avoiding as they were all either pregnant or had their second babies. Even more than that I enjoyed meeting up with them.  I felt confident that even if difficult subjects, feelings or conversations came up I would be ok, I could handle it using the tools I’d learnt.

My relationship was better, I felt less angry and could handle all the “when are you having the next one” comments.

Infertility Never Leaves You

The following month I found out I was pregnant.  I would say the Freedom Fertility Formula “worked” for me because I felt so much better emotionally, able to live my life without the fear of something triggering a difficult emotional response.  But of course, falling pregnant was the best news.

My pregnancy was of course full of anxiety, but I realised that was because I had stopped using the strategies I’d learned.  While nothing can get rid of fear and worry completely, using them again did improve my anxiety.

Now both my boys have arrived safely and I am so grateful.  I’m also so thankful I will never have to go through this pain of trying for a baby again.

I really believe that infertility never leaves you, I can be taken back to those feelings so easily when I hear other’s stories.  Writing this has brought me to tears several times. It’s also something I’ve been working on writing for several months but have been avoiding finishing as these are difficult and emotional memories.

I write this to share my story, to pass on hope

I’ve learned so much from my fertility journey, of course that’s easy to see now I’m on the other side. I can see that for me, perhaps it was a journey I needed to go on, to end up here.  I write this to share my story, to pass on hope, as I found hope in the stories I read while struggling.

For anyone struggling with secondary infertility, I have a separate blog on that topic here. Or for more information on the support I now provide for people on their fertility journey click here.

Are there differences in primary and secondary infertility? Having experienced both, I would say that there are.

So, what are those difference? I am speaking here from my own experience.  Of course, everyone’s journey and experience of that journey will be different.  Even if they look similar from the outside, the way people feel about it can be very different.

Pressure

I felt a different kind of pressure the second time around.  Not only were we waiting for a baby for ourselves, we were also trying for a sibling for our son.  With this came even more guilt because I thought a sibling would be good for him and that he would love to be a big brother. Then there are the unhelpful comments “when are you going to give your son a brother or sister, he would really love one”.  People seem to think it’s ok to ask about your plans for children as soon as you’ve had one as much as they do the minute after you get married.  It’s a really hard thing to deal with at either point.

Impossible to Avoid

When you have a baby/toddler/child there is no avoiding the main triggers which provoke difficult emotional reactions.  When you go to the park there will be families with two or more children.  When you go to playgroups there are pregnant women.  Wherever you take your child this is where other children and families hang out.  Avoidance is impossible.  So, you go to these places and pretend everything is fine when really your heart is breaking.

Age Gaps

I became OBSESSED with age gaps! Walking around the shops and seeing a mum with two children I’d try to work out what the age difference was between them.  Each month I’d recalculate what the age gap would be if I were pregnant that month.  This added more stress and even more pressure that I was putting on myself.

Pregnancy announcement

There seemed to be an ever-increasing number of pregnancy announcements from mum friends having their second babies.  As friends announced their pregnancies this again felt like I needed to be in a hurry to catch up, not to feel left behind so we could be on maternity leave at the same time again.  Of course, in some ways this feels really silly and unimportant in the grander scheme of things.  But friendships and avoiding isolation is so important for us as social beings and particularly so during motherhood which can be a very lonely time.

Two is so much harder than one

It’s hard to hear others complain about what you long for most.  But so many people were telling me how hard it was having two children.  Lack of sleep, breastfeeding issues, this was not what I wanted to hear.  This also brought with it feelings of guilt that I wasn’t being an understanding friend. They were having a hard time but I really didn’t want them to talk to me about it.

Having space in your heart for a child that isn’t there at any stage is a horrible and painful thing.

Perhaps my feelings were the same the first time around but that’s further away so I can’t remember it as clearly.  The pain of not being a mum was horrendous and very nearly broke me so many times.  When I think back to that time, I honestly don’t think I could have gone on another month.  But secondary infertility wasn’t easy either.  Having space in your heart for a child that isn’t there at any stage is a horrible and painful thing.

I’d love to know if you can relate to my experience of secondary infertility, feel free to comment below or get in touch.

Many of us use coping mechanisms to deal with emotional pain.  It is likely these will be automatic and unfortunately doing this could be causing you more harm and affecting your fertility.  Because all emotions need to be heard for them to carry out their true role.  By using coping mechanisms, we are likely to be squashing down these emotions, where they become stuck.

It is when these coping mechanisms become your only means of dealing with difficult aspects of life that they become problematic.  There are 3 commonly used coping mechanisms often used by those experiencing a difficult fertility journey:

1. Stay busy – Someone who does everything they can to distract their mind from painful feelings by filling it up with something else.  Binge watching Netflix, working extra hours, taking on new projects.
2. Self-sabotage –   Finding temporary release from emotional pain by turning to things such as food or alcohol.  These things may otherwise go against ideas about a healthy mind and body.  This approach often results in more difficult feelings such as guilt or shame, therefor more pain and more self-sabotage.
3. Shut down – The feeling of being unable to get out of bed or take care of themselves, perhaps through apparent exhaustion.  Reaching this point may also cause a numb feeling.

Listening to the true message

There is a way to break this unhelpful, habitual cycle which I want to share with you now.  It comes from gaining a better understanding of what your emotions are trying to tell you.  Obviously, you don’t need any help working this out when you feel happy, because that means things are okay. But it’s those difficult ones you may be trying to suppress or hide from we need to look at.

Step one is to recognise which of these (or other) coping mechanisms you are using.  Are there times when difficult emotions come up so you distract yourself in some way rather than acknowledging those feelings?

Next, identify when and how often you are using coping mechanisms.

It’s important to recognise here that your emotions want to help you.  Even the difficult ones, they are trying to guide you.  So, there is no need to add to your pain and suffering by feeling bad about having those feelings.  I don’t have the opportunity to go through all the different emotions here, however, I want to use sadness as an example.

The true message of sadness

At some point along your fertility journey you are likely to have felt sadness.  But what is sadness trying to tell you?  If sadness could talk it would say “I need time to heal”.

It is hurtful and upsetting that you have love to give a child and it has not happened for you yet.  That needs to be acknowledged.  You have the right to feel sad.  And on those days when you don’t feel able to attend that baby shower or go to that family gathering or whatever it might be, feel comfortable to say “no”.

Sadness wants you to take time out for yourself.  To allow yourself to rest and sit with your feelings.  Even crying is useful.  Tears release hormones which help ease emotional pain and help us to heal.

The Freedom Fertility Formula aims to help you regain emotional control of your fertility journey.  One of the most important ways we do this is by improving understanding about the true messages of our emotions.  Because all emotions are here to help and guide us.  Knowing this means there is no need to fear any emotions.  Understanding their true meaning will enable you to respond to your emotions in a useful way.  Rather than resorting to the unhelpful coping mechanisms you had been using previously.