Are there differences between primary and secondary infertility? Having experienced both, I would say that there are. The NHS describe secondary infertility as someone who has had one or more pregnancies, but is having difficulty conceiving again. Primary infertility affects around 15% of the population, compared to 5% struggling with secondary infertility.
But what are the difference between trying for your first or subsequent baby? Are there any? I think that there are, and I’m speaking here from my own experience. Of course, everyone’s journey and experience will be different. Even if they look similar from the outside, the way people feel about it can be really different.
If you’re going through secondary infertility, I wonder if you can relate to any of these. Or maybe what you’re finding hard is different. Feel free to leave a comment below or drop me a message because I’d love to hear from you.
Here are the 5 differences I noticed about secondary infertility.
Secondary infertility is… feeling under pressure
I felt a different kind of pressure the second time around. Not only were we waiting for a baby for ourselves, we were also trying for a sibling for our son. With this came even more guilt because I thought a sibling would be good for him and that he would love to be a big brother.
Then there are the unhelpful comments “when are you going to give your son a brother or sister? He obviously wants one”. This was said to me a month after my missed miscarriage and it took everything I had not to break down.
People seem to fine to ask about your plans for children, as soon as you’ve had one. As much as they ask the minute you get married. It’s a really hard thing to deal with at either point.
It’s impossible to avoid triggers
When trying for your first it feels like pregnancy and babies are everywhere and it’s hard to avoid. With secondary infertility and you have a baby/toddler/child there is no avoiding the main triggers which bring up difficult emotional reactions.
When you go to the park there will be (seemingly perfect) families with two or more children. As you go to the mum and baby groups you’re surrounded by pregnant women. Wherever you take your child, this is where other children and families hang out. Avoidance is impossible. So, you go to these places and pretend everything is fine when really your heart is breaking.
Triggers are hard to avoid, but when they do come up, remind yourself that it’s ok for you to be upset/angry/frustrated. However your feeling is completely valid. Sometimes though, we tell ourselves we shouldn’t be upset or we’re wrong for feeling jealous. So we make these uncomfortable feelings even worse. You can avoid this by allowing yourself to feel the way you’re feeling.
It’s obsessing over age gaps
I became OBSESSED with age gaps! And I know this is a common one. Walking around the shops (well, in fact anywhere) and seeing a mum with two children I’d be calculating that age difference between them. This was basically a guess on my part, although I am quite good at guessing the ages of children due to the years I worked as a Health Visitor. But it would always result in the perfect age gap.
I think so often we create these stories in our head about other people’s experiences. Like how easy it was for them to get pregnant, or how wonderful their life is. When of course, we don’t know that’s true. This type of internal comparison isn’t healthy or helpful for us. Even though it’s hard to avoid, you can recognise that this story might not be true. They might have struggled, if not with getting pregnant, perhaps with something else.
I’d also recalculate each and every month, what the age gap would be if I were pregnant that month. This added more stress and even more pressure that I was putting on myself. How many school years would there be if I got pregnant now? What if it’s not now and the age gap is even bigger? Will that mean they won’t get along? Will he be too used to having us to himself to welcome a baby? What if it doesn’t happen and he’s an only child?
This way of thinking is exhausting isn’t it. It’s helpful at this point to remain present, rather than trying to guess the future. What do you know now? That you are trying for another baby. And it’s safe for you to trust that this will result in a happy ending.
It’s waiting for mum friends to be pregnant before you
There seemed to be an ever-increasing number of pregnancy announcements from mum friends having their second babies. As friends announced their pregnancies this again felt like I needed to be in a hurry to catch up, not to feel left behind so we could be on maternity leave at the same time again. Of course, in some ways this feels really silly and unimportant in the grander scheme of things. But friendships and avoiding isolation is so important for us as social beings and particularly so during motherhood which can be a very lonely time.
It’s being told “2 is so much harder that 1”
It’s hard to hear others complain about what you long for most. But so many people were telling me how hard it was having two children. Lack of sleep, breastfeeding issues, this was not what I wanted to hear. This also brought with it feelings of guilt that I wasn’t being an understanding friend. They were having a hard time but I really didn’t want them to talk to me about it.
Having space in your heart for a child that isn’t there at any stage is a horrible and painful thing.
Secondary infertility hurts too
Perhaps my feelings were the same the first time around but that’s further away so I can’t remember it as clearly. The pain of not being a mum was horrendous and very nearly broke me so many times. When I think back to that time, I honestly don’t think I could have gone on another month. But secondary infertility wasn’t easy either. Having space in your heart for a child that isn’t there at any stage is a horrible and painful thing.
I’d love to know if you can relate to my experience of secondary infertility, feel free to comment below or get in touch.
September 11, 2019 at 11:11 pm
Hi,
We are in the same boat. We are lucky enough to have a 2 year old, but 3 miscarriages later, he is yet to become a big brother. I think it’s actually harder the second time around. We tried for several years to have our son, and one month, we just got lucky, he was our little miracle. Now 2 years on, I am hoping every month that that lucky will once again return. I feel guilty for longing so much for a second, when I know only too well how it felt to not ever be called mummy. I feel guilty for not being able to give my son that special sibling relationship, and I feel acutely aware of biology. 39 approaching, and biological clock ticking loudly. I feel lost, as ivf isbt an option second time around, and we cant afford private help. So what else can I do, but wait and hope that another little miracle comes our way.
September 16, 2019 at 11:57 am
Thank you so much for your reply Jennifer! I really feel for you, pregnancy loss on top of infertility is so cruel. I post some things on my facebook and instagram which I hope would be helpful with how you are feeling. Mainly they are about getting the mind and body to work together to get the outcome you want. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you have not chosen for things to be this way. Sending so many positive wishes that another miracle comes your way. Nicola x
November 7, 2019 at 4:50 pm
I’m so glad I found this post. It is always relieving to know that you are not alone, and someone else has felt the same exact way. We have a five year old boy who desperately wants a sibling. I’m also a dental hygienist that sees around 9 patients a day, and I’m constantly being asked daily when number two is coming. I had one patient even tell me “it should be illegal to not give that boy a sibling.” The guilt and the stress of it all is very overwhelming and I’m trying not to lose hope. Thank you for this post!
November 7, 2019 at 7:51 pm
Hi Katie, thank you so much for your message. I really feel for you it’s so hard when people make insensitive comments isn’t it, if only they knew.
I hope you know you have nothing to feel guilty about because what you’re going through is not your fault.
It is so stressful and overwhelming, I hope you’re getting support with how you’re feeling as it’s so important. If you have any questions or want to know more about the work I do please let me know. It was after my own experience that I trained to support others on their fertility journeys. I know how painful it is and how much these strategies helped with the stress and anxiety I was feeling.
Thank you so much for your kind words about my post. Nicola x
6 Comments
I would agree with all of the above. Beautifully put. I would add that I also felt guilty for wanting a second baby so badly when so many others struggle just to have one. We never managed to have a second child and it took a long time to get over the loss. At the same time, you don’t want those difficult feelings to overshadow the joy and delight you have ver your firstborn’s childhood.
Thank you so much for this. It’s always good to know that other people feel the same.
Thank you so much for your reply Fiona. Guilt is everywhere when it comes to infertility isn’t it?
It is definitely loss of the dream of how you wanted life to be and there is a grieving process that goes along with that. I hope you have yourself the time and space to do that (with no guilt attached).
Thank you for your kindness works about my post, I’m also glad to know I wasn’t alone in feeling that way. Nicola x